The “D” Word

Divorce…

It is final, it is finished and my old new last name is officially mine again.

It may come as a shock to some but my divorce just became final about a month ago. Shocking only  because reading through my assortment of posts one could probably same assume I was already divorced. It took nearly three years. I felt like I was already divorced for a very long time.

Truth is, I had fallen out of love soooo long ago I was numb to feeling anything whatsoever regarding my divorce. My feelings mostly have been consumed with my main concern throughout this process, my children. That was the one thing we could not agree on, and probably never will. That’s where all my energy, all my thoughts have been about. Not so much on how I would feel afterwards….

Once I signed on the dotted line and walked out of the courthouse (alone I might add because at this point he was able to get himself locked up yet again because he will never be able to kick his addictions), I could not hide my smile.

I breathed in the fresh air, took in the sight of the beatuiful sky, and thought the world never seemed so open and inviting. I was relieved. Nearly three years of pain, uncertainty, fighting (oh, the fighting), mounds of paperwork, multiple visits to the courthouse, and the never ending anxiety that has been following me around was lifted. Because not only was my divorce final, but the fact that he failed my kids one again meant that he legally cant affect them until further notice. For the time being, I do not have to worry about what will happen to my precious girls because their toxic father will be locked away for another time.

As for me… I feel free.

I must be honest, there is a tad bit of sadness. The sadness that comes from this entire process… marriage, children, and then divorce. For my intentions were pure when I said ‘I do.’ I had hoped all would just work out. I did put in all the necessary work. More than I should have too for our marriage. I made sacrifice after sacrifice for my husband because my faith in the Lord was always in the back of my mind that that’s what you do. But in the end it wasn’t enough. And there is nothing you can do when the person you are married too does not put you or God first in their life. There’s little you can do about a person who puts themselves before any and everybody.

Every persons marriage is different. And no one knows the ins and outs of someones private supposedly sacred relationship.

I live with the pain that my marriage was doomed. I live with the pain that my children do not have a father like the kind of father they deserve. I live with the pain that when one of my girls does something exciting I don’t get to turn to someone next to me and tell them about it because that person would have been just as thrilled as I. There is not even a single mom emoji! I looked!

I live with the pain that I married someone who never made me a priority. Someone who very rarely said the right things but never did the right things. I live with the stigma that I am a statistic. A woman who married a man who was a “piece of crap” and treated me awful and I stayed anyway because I had bad self esteem and so the story goes…

But the thing is the statistic comes from people who don’t know what it feels like. It comes from a place of judgement. Which is something I don’t allow in my world. One of the many things I have had to learn from this whole experience is to truly not care about what others have to say about any part of my life. Because what people need to understand is that I’m the one who has to live with the choices I make.

I have spent a lot of time letting my situation define me but no longer. I am not what has happened to me. I just couldn’t let this moment in my life, this conclusion of my marriage go by without saying something.

BUT I couldn’t be more happy to move past it and begin the new phase of my life… and that feels amazing. I know the next chapter is going to be a positive, refreshing, wonderful time filled with new beginnings!

 

Discovering I am enough

449d0d37868c9df5fbbde47ecb2010b7Sorry guys, this post wont be as dramatic as the last, or cause a ruckus. That last post was by far the most viewed post ever. People like drama I suppose…

No, this post, blurb, is about just me. Me, overcoming my biggest obstacle…. myself.

In the midst of the chaos that has been my life. In the midst of losing who I am and having well, just about the worst self-esteem ever… I’m finally really really ( you can only say it twice if you really mean it) am learning I am enough.

I have gone a significant amount of time thinking that I knew I was but my actions proved that I didn’t truly value myself. If you think about it, why would someone who values themselves stay in a relationship that I have claimed to be so abusive?

Its really not rocket science to find out the answer to that. There can be lots of reasons one stays in terrible situations…

Fear.

Low self-esteem.

Pressure from others.

For the sake of your kids.

None of those are good reasons, but its the truth. Low self-esteem gets you into it and then fear keeps you there. Fear of things like what the heck are you going to do if you leave? What will this do to my family? Who will ever want me again?

These doubts don’t go away on their own. It takes time to heal. Takes faith in God (something that is VERY hard to have in times like these), friends/family who stick by you no matter how hard it is to be a friend to someone who is hurting.

After being so broken down, bit by bit, in every.single.aspect.of.my.life. I have started to rebuild myself.

But that is not easy when you have so much working against you.

I know people talk. I’m not stupid. I know people have had a lot to say about my life. People love the drama. Thats why my most two popular posts on my site are the ones that you relate to most drama.

I am here to tell you…. I know I’m not perfect. I have made mistakes and will make more I’m sure. I did plenty of wrong things that have gotten me to where I am. Those things that people say about me, I have thought them myself. Because like I said I am my own worst critic.

I can’t tell you how much time I have spent agonizing over my own mistakes. Over things I have done or have said. I look in the mirror and sometimes can not believe this is where I found myself. I have spent so much time crying over what harm may have come to my children over this divorce. I carry the most guilt over my life, more than anyone. So when people talk about it, when they talk about me, or have such an opinion about it when they have never been in my shoes… its like sticking a knife further into a wound that I already created for myself.

Finally I gave up ( you refer back to my previous post about giving up:)). I stopped allowing what others may or may not think get to me. I had to. Thats like step one in trying to rebuild a new life, new you. That goes for any negativity  in my life. So I ask you now, if you are one of those people, please move on from my blog. Theres nothing here for you to see. I’m doing everything I can to heal, rebuild, and be the positive, best version of myself for my girls and for me.

I really had to start believing the good about myself. I had to start focusing on all the positive things friends/family were telling me. Once I started doing that God starting bringing me the people I need. Having a support system is key.

But mostly I had to look at myself as God sees me.

He told me to stop looking in the mirror and seeing all the sins.

He told me to stop being ashamed.

So I have to believe that.

I saw an old friend the other day and she knew before there was marriage and kids. She knew me as I was just beginning my life in Christ. Those ripe teenage years that often mold you and prepare you for the real world. Back then I knew who I belonged too and I didn’t ever worry about the rest. I was a walking beam of hope.

I was just me.

But like a lot of us after 18  life really starts to happen. Jobs turn into careers. Boyfriends turn into husbands. Perfect size 3 bodies turn into bodies scarred and beautiful life giving bodies. And so it goes. And if your lucky, life continues on merrily. But that is not always the case.

I was telling my friend that I was having a hard time because my life has changed so drastically and making new friends in my new church was proving to be hard for me, moving on was/is stressful. And she asked me something that made me stop and think long and hard… “Whats holding you back? You shouldn’t be afraid to just be yourself.”

Why should I? Things happen and that is life.

I have become stronger, more independent, and learned sooo much about this crazy world and mostly sooo much about myself.

And you know what…. I am enough.

God gave me those baby girls because only I can be the mother they need.

God gave me these trials because only I could preserve they way I have.

God has a purpose in all the pain I have suffered.

God sees me for the person I am now and who I am meant to be.

Its all apart of my journey.

I don’t need to hold myself back anymore… because I was the one in my own way.

He is enough for me and I am enough for who ever is supposed to be in my life, and that includes myself.

 

 

Let the story unfold because I don’t care anymore

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I will never understand how it could be possible, that a person who has, on many levels caused such harm to his children and not to mention the women he took a vow to love forever and can consistently come out looking like HE is the victim. It just doesn’t make any sense.

I honestly feel as if I’m living in an alternate reality. It just doesn’t seem real to me.

I left an abusive drug addict… I repeat an ABUSIVE-DRUG-ADDICT! I just want that to really settle in. This person ABUSED ME. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. By every definition of the word he abused me. In private, in front of his children, in front of his family, there was no limit to his abuse. This person chose drugs over and over and over again over his family. This person took himself out of our daughters lives for nearly 15 months straight because of jail time and repeated drug use, including a near death overdose. Yes, he went to rehab– but ONLY because he was ordered by a judge too. When given the option he didn’t deem it necessary. He feels that he should not be subjected to his own actions.  He feels it’s only right he has all his rights. He doesn’t why I pick on him so much.

I understand that addiction is a disease. That it is hard. I get that. I respect that. But here is the truth of the matter: It’s not like addicts are born doing drugs, he wasn’t anyway. At some point he made a choice to get high, and then he made it over and over again instead of caring for his family. At some point he could have put down the drugs and walked away, but he chose not too. Not after having baby number one.. Not after getting married… Not after baby number two… and by baby number 3 he was too far gone I’m sure.

Why stay? Well that’s another subject entirely that I’m sure I’ll get to at some point throughout this blog/venting of feelings journey I am on here but not today. However…make no mistake…I accept full responsibility for staying with this man for as long as I did. For bringing multiple children in to the world with him. For knowing from very soon after our relationship started that being with him was a mistake. Don’t get it twisted…I’m just not going to dive in to it right now.

No, because today I was left with ZERO faith in our justice system. Time and time again it is abundantly clear that the system doesn’t care much. The system willingly allows people like him to fully immerse themselves and their emotional manipulative ways into their children’s lives. They will be given chance after chance after chance.

Sure I believe in forgiveness. I do. Its not an easy business to be into, the forgiving business but that’s what I’m taught to do. I get that. One day I hope I can forgive this scumbag who left my life and his children’s lives in ruins. I truly pray I can. BUT…

But just because there is forgiveness doesn’t mean I willingly trust this person with the most valuable precious gifts in my life, our children… Am I really supposed to trust that everything will be fine? What parent would…could, do such a thing?

But when he walks into the courtroom or when he is posing pretty on facebook he would have you believe all is right in the world. He would have you believe I am unreasonable, I only want his money, I am just a vengeful, spiteful bitch. That I am the manipulative one. That I am actually the “bad” guy.

Right.

My girls and I can live without that extra money, we have had to live without it far more than we have received it that’s for sure. The problem lies in the fact that he doesn’t understand the importance of it. He has three children. Children are expensive. And get this…just a few days ago he actually told me that he needed to put himself first for now because he needs a car. Ya know, screw the $1800 in back child support the court has ordered him to pay to take care of his children. To show that he can actually be responsible and do the right thing. Right now HE is more important than that. That’s the problem… he comes first. He always has. Facts are facts and that’s the truth. I do what needs to be done for our daughters, no one can say that’s not the case!

Lets all feel bad for him because I want to protect our children from the inevitable. I want to raise our children with the simple, real, old-school values that most of us (certainly not him) grew up with. I don’t believe its necessary for them to come home with brand new toys every time they visit his house. I don’t feel it necessary to have mountains of toys or the best of the best looking clothes, or be involved with every activity just to compete with everyone else on facebook.

What matters most to me is my children have an understanding that you can’t get everything you want. That never being told no or always being made to feel like they can do no wrong leads to nothing but trouble. They shouldn’t grow up spoiled thinking the world owes them anything, or feeling entitled. I see where that gets people….

I want them to know love, discipline, kindness, and courage. Things that have value.

I do want this to be over. I want the fight to be over so badly. But what choice do I have?

The whole reason we are here at this point is because of the choices he has made. If he hadn’t been a drug addict, an abuser, if he had tried to support his family financially or emotionally then we wouldn’t be here. We are not in court fighting because everything was good. He created this circumstance. Although one could argue I’m here because I married him… and trust me that is something I have to live with for the rest of my life…and I will. That is something that has given me an immense amount of guilt. Lets be real though, I didn’t marry a drug addict who melted pills down into liquid and injected them into his arms, or crush them up and snort them up his nose… I wouldn’t even know of such things if it weren’t for him! I’m sure there were other signs but never did I ever imagine what had awaited me.

I am not perfect by any means. I don’t need to boast myself up. I do whats right for my children. I left an extremely toxic environment to save my children from growing up with the wrong ideas about love. I will not apologize for leaving, ever. When your own daughter looks you in the face at the young age of 6 and says she loves her dad but that I should not have married him, you have to know you have done the right thing by leaving.

But of course of this will be taken for whatever people want to believe in. Which is a sad reality I have come to realize. People believe what they want to believe, whether its the truth or not.

He can talk a good game and yet again pretend like the world owes him something because he shouldn’t have to keep paying for his mistakes but the thing is… he isn’t a victim. Even I don’t claim to be a victim… its our children who I pray don’t suffer to much under the manipulative games he plays.

You can get through it

image0000001You learn a lot when you have to restart your life. At least I did when I had to restart my life 2 years ago.

For one thing I was forced to find a strength I didn’t know I had.

It’s not easy starting over. Having to move my family, having to rearrange how my family looks, and probably most importantly having to learn how to put myself back together.

An old friend of mine told me at the beginning of this transition that I was given a gift so to speak. A chance to become who I was meant to be. A chance to find out who I am.

At first I didn’t want to. I have been broken down and damaged (that’s just how I felt). But I thought about what he said and the truth was I didn’t have my own identity anymore. I had become something else entirely.

Being in an abusive marriage that tends to happen I suppose. When you start living for everyone else that can happen. I was just going through the motions, doing what I needed to do to survive and if someone said lets do something, I just did it.

But that’s all in the past now. I think this quote says it best. Sometimes things don’t get fixed or put back together. I believe that there are things that you just have to leave behind.

Relationships.

A way of life.

Bad habits.

I’ve learned that sometimes the only thing that needs to get back together is you.

And if you have ever been in the position I have, where you are forced to change and you are forced to look inside yourself, it can be a scary thing. You may not like what you find out!

I had lots and lots of guilt for one thing. Very bad self esteem. Fear of everything. Confusion. Feeling lost. Feelings of being unaccepted.

Most of all damage and hurt.

Hurt and pain… Pain makes me people do all kinds of things that are out of character if you can’t get ahead of it.

But I’m learning and learned how to.

Because of the people that have stood by me and shown me what love is and what love is not.

Because of my faith I am able to get through the pain and the bad times.

Because of love I am able to heal.

I have learned a lot this year, these last few years actually. Things I wish I didn’t need to learn, but you know some of us are just hard-headed or stubborn I guess ( by that I mean me!)

I have learned that being broken is ok. That putting things back together is an option but not always the right one.

I learned what love is not.

Restarting your life at age 31 is not something I ever wanted to do but doing so isn’t a bad thing.

Its hard. Pain is a difficult thing.

Sometimes the broken things can’t be put back together the way you intended.

But I still have faith. Because when He takes me in to dark waters, He is still with me.

And for the things that can’t be fixed, He can make something new out of nothing. 🙂

I don’t like sharing

Being a mom and having to share my kids is not something I want to do and I don’t think it’s something most moms want to do either.

As I lay here tonight it makes my heart so sad to know they are not in their rooms tucked away. That my little beautiful monster # 3 isn’t going to be showing her face in the middle of the night to crawl in bed with me. I won’t be checking on them to make sure they are still breathing–yes I still do that. And they won’t be waking me up far too early on a Saturday morning… which of course will be nice not having to get up early but at the same time I will miss all three of them climbing in bed fighting over who gets to snuggle next to me because they all want to be right up next to me.

Being a mom is the most impossible love. Because it’s ever ending and so unconditional. I could never stop worrying about my girls even if I tried.

Yes I know it’s only for a weekend… and I know I deserve a little bit of time to rejuvenate, most moms do, but no one takes care of my girls like me. That’s something we can all agree on as moms. And when they aren’t with me, especially for a longer time frame I’m going to worry. I can’t stop.

I don’t like sharing them ad I know that’s selfish but it’s how I feel. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to let them go, it just means it makes me sad when they do.

They are mine. In fact, I’ve been there for every tear and kissed their boo boos. I’m there when they have a bad day at school or a great day at school. I’ve wiped their asses more than anyone else- times 10! They are mine. I never quit on them or put anything else before them. I always try to provide. I have laid wide awake bed and wondered if I yelled too much, if I let them watch too much tv, or if they have eaten enough vegetables. I worry as my 9 year goes to school and has to face bullies because she is at that age. How can I protect her? How can I protect them when they are not with me? I have to trust that someone else is going to do a good enough job when sometimes I worry that I’m not even though no one, I mean NO ONE could possibly love them as much as me?!

So if you’re not a single mom, who hasn’t ever had to share her kids then you don’t understand. When you haven’t had to try to protect them from their own family who you now are supposed to trust again you can’t understand. It’s just hard.

I give up

a0f71896e8ed4d9e2cecb89dc07e1d9eHello fellow bloggers and people who actually follow me… it has indeed been a while. I guess I could say I took a summer break and really that’s what I did… but mostly I just became tired.

It’s been a wild ride these last two years, virtually everything in my life has been turned upside down and turned around. I’ve practically reinvented myself through discovering who I was, a broken person.

Even though in recent months I have done nothing but lay low, focus on my girls, attend church, I have actually learned a lot.

…And it has worn me out!

I’m tired of people who have claimed they care, but have done little to show they actually do.

I’m tired of people posting on social media who they want others to perceive them as, even though they’re not at all that person.

I’m tired of the hate that is in our world.

I’m tired of feeling like I have to be in competition with all the mothers around me.

I’m tired of reliving my old life with my ex.

I’m tired of questioning what I did to deserve that terrible, abusive marriage?

I’m tired of people overlooking the fact that I spent most of my marriage being abused.

I’m tired of people not believing the truth in an attempt to make themselves feel better about the false reality they’ve created.

I’m tired of people claiming to be neutral.

Stand for something already!

Frankly all these things have exhausted me. My mind has been so consumed with feelings of defeat and worthlessness. Of being victimized and worrying all the time when I walk out the front door of my house as to what kind of terror my kids or I may face…

Until finally I decided to give up.

I give up my worries and fears and questions to the only one who knows what to do with them. Can I get an amen?!

I give up because this is no way to live.

I could sit here and relive my past and why I’ve had to endure the things I have, why people who I loved have been so cruel… or why my pain seems to go unnoticed…

BUT I give up living this way.

I know I’m a good mom. I will raise my children the way I was raised and if you are family or not if you are toxic to my girls or me, I give you up.

To those who want to remain neutral in my current situation, I give you up.

To the hate going on in the world, to the people who really don’t care about others, the people who don’t ever let you over when you are driving and need to get in their lane, I give you up.

I give up the hate and I cling to the good by striving to be the good instead.

The fake and passive aggressive social media posts, I give you up.

To the people who don’t want to be around my girls and me anymore, I give you up.

I give up the negativity surrounding my situation and am going to live life to be the good in this world. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone, or post everything I do, if you are in my life you will know what I’m talking about and if not I give you up.

Lets be clear, just because I give up people doesn’t mean I won’t always have love for you, because I believe whole heartedly in love even if love hasn’t always been shown to me.

God has called us to, above all else, love. It just means I can’t force myself into your life if you don’t want me there.

I encourage you all to give up on EVERY thing that brings you down.

Give up… but only give up the bad, the hate, the lies, the thoughts of worthlessness… don’t give up on love.

Fab Friday: Home

If anyone ever did decide to pop in on me while I’m home (and of course no one ever would this isn’t 1995) they would be in for quite a treat.

Literally as soon as I walk in the door I get as ugly as possible… gym shorts, t-shirt three sizes too big, hair up in disarray, makeup gone… ahhh tis life.

Home. Where I can be as least desirable looking as I desire and no one cares!

Cheers to the weekend.. hope everyone’s weekend is fabulous, even if you don’t care to look it because your spending it in the comfort of your home. 😉

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Fab Friday: No

b3d173afcf07ed84a05d13192f0fc3b2Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you a bad person. Just because you tell someone no doesn’t make you a bad person either.

Nice and kind people are allowed to say no.

No, you aren’t going to take advantage of me.

No, I will not let you treat me like that or talk to me that way.

I value myself so if I say no, I probably have a really good reason for saying no.

People who don’t get this concept are likely to get walked all over, so be careful that isn’t you.

Hope everyone makes this weekend fabulous… remember you are allowed to say no!

Uncertainty

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Uncertainty.
That is my life right now.
So much has changed in two short years of my life, it makes my head swirl when I think about it. Almost every aspect of it has changed in some way.
Change is hard and painful, but it can be beautiful.
I feel I’m in a forever stage of changing.
Changing my job, my hair, friends, schedules and routines.
And when my head is spinning from it all I try to fixate on the things that don’t change. The constants in my life.
My love for my kids. My God. The people in my life that don’t leave. My family. My passions.
People who have been through a lot say things like “you are the only one you can depend on.”
Well, while that can be true, I would find that to be difficult and sad.
If I didn’t have my dad, my grandma, or my best friend to lean on I don’t know where I would be. I can’t do it alone. God didn’t intend for us too either.
He brings us the people we need. “A cord of three strands can not easily be broken.”
He knows I need people. Though there were times I wasn’t sure which people. But God moves things around so everything is how it should be.
Uncertainty of life is scary. For me at the moment there is so much that I don’t know for sure.
I can’t say where my schooling will take me.
I can’t say what my girls interest will be ( they change their minds quite frequently.)
I don’t know what my health problems could lead too.
I can’t say if my new business partnership will take off.
I don’t know what tomorrow brings at all.
Its hard to stand and not know where the wind will blow… not knowing what it will bring. It seems there’s always something.
Not all that comes my way has been bad… that’s the beauty of life.
The circumstances have changed me. I take all thats come my way so far as lessons learned.
But when my anxiety gets high and my worries are too much to bear… I look to what I can depend on.
And of course I’m forever grateful for those unwavering certainties.

Fab Friday: Whats twerking anyway

f2a646fa46286eac0afe7be7701898e7Seriously…

This is NOT a joke. I completely and totally plan on embarrassing my daughters with my sick dance moves.  It’s going to be great!

It’s totally cool now because they love dancing with me but there will come a day when I will no longer be cool.

I’m sure when that day comes I will be grief-stricken because lets face it… I’m totally the coolest! 😉

But that is when I will remember, as my mom used to embarrass me that I must pass on the tradition.

And if my daughters ever think they will get away with dancing or twerking, whatever that is, they will have another thing coming!

Make it a Fabulous Friday… and to all the mommas out there that share this sense of logic, be prepared for epic dance battles when that time comes!