Open Heart Surgery
Today I thought about sadness and what it does to people.
Going through a divorce definitely will bring out some sadness, one of the many, many emotions you will feel.
Sadness is pain and pain demands to be felt.
That’s the thing that gets me about pain because so often we can push past it and push it aside but that only delays it. Or, covers it up. Delaying your pain only makes it worse because at one point or another it will come out and you can’t always be prepared for when that might be or, what that might look like. And delaying the pain will only cripple you in the future, like in future relationships.
The grieving process is no joke.
I once heard that divorce is open heart surgery for your emotional state and that’s so true. When you undergo surgery of any kind there are steps to help you get better, to help you recover and to heal. What are you to do when your heart is the one that needs to recover?
The breaking up of a marriage is difficult no matter the circumstance, even if you wanted it. In the end you are left with all this leftover information about that person, all the intimate details you shared, all the memories.
For me I left a terrible marriage. One that was broken for a long time. And, even though this (our divorce) was something MUCH needed I still have a heart. I still found myself, though not at first, feeling a deep sadness over the loss of it. The loss of the marriage itself… for the mere fact of what it should have been, that dream of going through life with someone who is supposed to be your other half. Like I said though, I didn’t feel the pain of all that at first, but going through a divorce care class at my church helped me to see that I still had unresolved sadness and pain.
I remember literally sitting at home without the kids and forcing myself to cry because pain demands to be felt and dealt with… before I knew it I was there in the thick of it, feeling some buried down sadness that I tried to push away for so long.
That was a breaking point.
I left my marriage and didn’t even cry (which is strange for me because I can be a bit of a crybaby)… a couple months went by and even though I may have cried about other things, the stress of it, what it was doing to my kids, I still didn’t cry over the fact that the marriage itself was over.
I did however do plenty of things to cover up the pain instead of dealing with it. I took comfort in the form of other types of relationships, particularly with men. People can judge me all they want but the fact of the matter is everyone does all kinds of different things to cover up their pain, be it drugs, over eating (can’t say I didn’t do my fair share of pigging out on some ice cream and Oreos or bags of chips :/). My point is I was doing things that were out of the norm for me in attempt to mask some hardcore ish that was going on inside of my heart.
If I have any advice (which I have plenty of thoughts on this matter anyway) regarding the loss of your marriage it is this… let yourself be sad.
Let yourself grieve.
Jumping into another relationship or pretending to be fine and never dealing with the ginormous loss you are experiencing is only going to hurt you in the future.
It’s ok to be sad but, as the saying goes, just don’t unpack and live there.