Before I tell the tale of my monumental lapse in judgement, let me paint this picture for you…
He pulled me close as the darkness around us gave room for the light of the moon. It was peaceful and quiet. I could only hear the rush of the waves as they lightly caressed my feet. The touch of his lips felt different this time. I knew what it was… because in that moment my heart skipped and my breathe caught in my throat and when he looked in my eyes I felt the butterflies… All of the time spent to get to this moment was moving my heart in a way I didn’t expect. It was a classic moment that I wont soon forget. And it was in that moment I didn’t care what anyone would have to say about our taboo relationship. Because in that moment and many more moments to come it wasn’t about anyone else but us.
I had forgotten what it felt like to actually like someone…. a someone who actually liked me back. I had forgot how good it feels to be wanted, to be kissed in a way that the kiss wasn’t a means for anything more than just a sweet kiss. I was falling for him and him for me and it was the most unexpected relationship that we were falling in to.
The only problem? My head.
I vowed from the moment I left my husband, from the moment I let other men attempt to enter my world but only had one thing on their mind, to never be in a relationship that was going to be harmful to me in any way. This particular situation I had found myself in crept up on me before I even knew what was happening.
He was a friend. He had always been a friend. But the lines got crossed and things got blurry. I fell for his words and his consistency. Two thing I desperately crave. His need and want to be around me whenever possible, his constant building me up and being there when I needed to vent, being a person for me to laugh with, being a person to fall in to and lose myself for a moment. He was a delightful escape from reality but reality would eventually catch up to me…
….and my head.
I spoke earlier in my blog about following your heart vs your head and this situation was a great example of that. My heart and my head were at war. That’s the thing about MY heart… it is not capable of being casual. I’m either invested or not… the in between drives me mad. I was in between. My heart wanted something that my head could simply not allow.
My head knew this would be dangerous territory… dangerous for my future, dangerous for my family and dangerous for my heart.
People can often forgo their heads consideration but that’s where you get yourself into trouble…sometimes.
I was falling for someone who was less than desirable. Why was he less than desirable? Well if you can refer back to my post about men… lets just say he didn’t meet all of the qualifications. And in full disclosure, our taboo relationship…. well he was a friend of my ex which in the world of divorce meant that this was pretty taboo. I won’t deny my part in it. I knew better. I made a mistake. My judgement was cloudy coming out of a marriage that was abusive, where my emotional and mental needs were not just not met, but were also trampled on on a daily basis, and then nearly every interaction with men after I left my husband turned out to be bitter ones. I held on to this guy because he was someone I knew. He was comforting and I was able to be myself.
I had fallen for a fake. Someone who made me believe he was someone he was not. Again, here I was falling for the guy who charmed me. It is like that sometimes. People usually only show you what they want you to see. It’s not until later that there comes a point in time when reality strikes and EVERYTHING, the good, the bad and the way ugly is brought to light.
He wasn’t honest. Details of what I thought were supposed to be our private moments found their way around town. Private details. Some exaggerated details but, private (or were supposed to be) none the less. Suddenly I felt like I was back in high school, hearing things like… “Well I heard this…” from my friends.
When confronted he lied. My daddy always told me I might as well tell the truth because if I didn’t I would be in way more trouble. And I was afraid of my daddy! He instilled the fear of God in me about telling the truth. Which is why I pride myself on being as honest as I can, in all areas of my life. Its hard to be lied too and I can’t nor won’t easily let it go.
Not only was he not honest but he was also disrespectful. Looking back, any person who claims to care so deeply for someone should not allow them to be in such a compromising situation. He handled it all wrong. He was all talk and no action.
I allowed myself to get caught up in a fantasy. My heart is too open. I still believe in fairy tales and this was far from that.
That could not be more true. Your heart has the ability to sway all your decisions, and cause you to act somewhat recklessly.
In this instance I didn’t care… until I did.
What did I gain from this?
A lesson of course.
A very real,very hard lesson.
And now my reputation has been tarnished. My heart has suffered more than I thought possible. I opened it up again only to be trampled on and this time, I did it to myself.
I knew better.
My point is…. don’t fall for the charmer. MY point is be careful with your heart. As someone very wise once said.. “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it”
And this is why they invented chocolate cake! 😉