Where I have been

bb4a8223700fc0c847b98807d5260c41Oh hey! I’m back!

Yes, its been awhile since you’ve heard from me. This break was not completely intentional.

I was very ill for a week, even made a trip to the emergency room!

I started a new job and had really weird training hours.

I had a few very dark moments…

…and I have spent all my free moments in the last several weeks being with my girls, folding laundry, and trying to rest (what is that again?).

Needless to say I finally took a moment to stop and think when an old friend of mine texted me after forever and asked…

“Where have you been?”

The answer initially was very simple because my first thought was to say “BUSY!”

But when I thought about it more, the answer wasn’t that transparent.

Where have I been???

My world has always been chaotic. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that. The last few weeks though I have felt a shift taking place within me and not just from everything that was happening around me.

I have been in a place where I have been forced to see the cold hard truth about people. That the majority of people, including the ones you care about most, can sometimes be so cruel.

The world doesn’t care about you and people only care about themselves.

Where I have been is in a place where I have had to fight to survive and provide for my family because it’s not easy. I have to do whatever it takes to make things happen for us, to keep the lights on, to get us where we need to be, etc.

I found myself very depressed. It was happening and I didn’t even realize it at first. For days I was in a daze. I was just going through the motions until one day I looked to my best friend and said ” I think I’m depressed” and his reply was “I know.”

Like everything else I have had to pull myself out of it.

Do not take that lightly. When I say I have had to pull myself out of it…imagine being in a big dark hole…you try and try to climb out but it’s impossible. The walls are high and your body is too heavy to lift. There is no light of day and no one to help you as far as you can see.

I’ve had to figure out a way climb out on my own.

I have put my faith front and center. I’ve prayed more and more and have actually witnessed the answers to some of those prayers.

I’ve changed my job.

I’ve focused on the good.

I’ve limited my time on social media.

I’ve decided to only give my time and energy to positive things and positive people, people who actually want to be in my life.

I’ve changed how I look at myself. Mostly I’ve stopped comparing my life to everyone else…which I know I have mentioned before but I’ve actually been putting my my own words to use.

I’ve had to fight with myself because although all I could see was a mess, I actually had lots of reasons to feel blessed.

So where I have been was a loaded question for me.

Where I have been is emotional hell and back again.

Where I have been is helping define who I am…who I am trying to become.

Where I have been is going to help me to not repeat the same mistakes.

Where I have been is not where I’m going to end up.

Where I have been is the past and where I am going is the future and the future is looking bright! 🙂


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