You learn a lot when you have to restart your life. At least I did when I had to restart my life 2 years ago.
For one thing I was forced to find a strength I didn’t know I had.
It’s not easy starting over. Having to move my family, having to rearrange how my family looks, and probably most importantly having to learn how to put myself back together.
An old friend of mine told me at the beginning of this transition that I was given a gift so to speak. A chance to become who I was meant to be. A chance to find out who I am.
At first I didn’t want to. I have been broken down and damaged (that’s just how I felt). But I thought about what he said and the truth was I didn’t have my own identity anymore. I had become something else entirely.
Being in an abusive marriage that tends to happen I suppose. When you start living for everyone else that can happen. I was just going through the motions, doing what I needed to do to survive and if someone said lets do something, I just did it.
But that’s all in the past now. I think this quote says it best. Sometimes things don’t get fixed or put back together. I believe that there are things that you just have to leave behind.
A way of life.
I’ve learned that sometimes the only thing that needs to get back together is you.
And if you have ever been in the position I have, where you are forced to change and you are forced to look inside yourself, it can be a scary thing. You may not like what you find out!
I had lots and lots of guilt for one thing. Very bad self esteem. Fear of everything. Confusion. Feeling lost. Feelings of being unaccepted.
Most of all damage and hurt.
Hurt and pain… Pain makes me people do all kinds of things that are out of character if you can’t get ahead of it.
But I’m learning and learned how to.
Because of the people that have stood by me and shown me what love is and what love is not.
Because of my faith I am able to get through the pain and the bad times.
Because of love I am able to heal.
I have learned a lot this year, these last few years actually. Things I wish I didn’t need to learn, but you know some of us are just hard-headed or stubborn I guess ( by that I mean me!)
I have learned that being broken is ok. That putting things back together is an option but not always the right one.
I learned what love is not.
Restarting your life at age 31 is not something I ever wanted to do but doing so isn’t a bad thing.
Its hard. Pain is a difficult thing.
Sometimes the broken things can’t be put back together the way you intended.
But I still have faith. Because when He takes me in to dark waters, He is still with me.
And for the things that can’t be fixed, He can make something new out of nothing. 🙂