I will never understand how it could be possible, that a person who has, on many levels caused such harm to his children and not to mention the women he took a vow to love forever and can consistently come out looking like HE is the victim. It just doesn’t make any sense.
I honestly feel as if I’m living in an alternate reality. It just doesn’t seem real to me.
I left an abusive drug addict… I repeat an ABUSIVE-DRUG-ADDICT! I just want that to really settle in. This person ABUSED ME. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. By every definition of the word he abused me. In private, in front of his children, in front of his family, there was no limit to his abuse. This person chose drugs over and over and over again over his family. This person took himself out of our daughters lives for nearly 15 months straight because of jail time and repeated drug use, including a near death overdose. Yes, he went to rehab– but ONLY because he was ordered by a judge too. When given the option he didn’t deem it necessary. He feels that he should not be subjected to his own actions. He feels it’s only right he has all his rights. He doesn’t why I pick on him so much.
I understand that addiction is a disease. That it is hard. I get that. I respect that. But here is the truth of the matter: It’s not like addicts are born doing drugs, he wasn’t anyway. At some point he made a choice to get high, and then he made it over and over again instead of caring for his family. At some point he could have put down the drugs and walked away, but he chose not too. Not after having baby number one.. Not after getting married… Not after baby number two… and by baby number 3 he was too far gone I’m sure.
Why stay? Well that’s another subject entirely that I’m sure I’ll get to at some point throughout this blog/venting of feelings journey I am on here but not today. However…make no mistake…I accept full responsibility for staying with this man for as long as I did. For bringing multiple children in to the world with him. For knowing from very soon after our relationship started that being with him was a mistake. Don’t get it twisted…I’m just not going to dive in to it right now.
No, because today I was left with ZERO faith in our justice system. Time and time again it is abundantly clear that the system doesn’t care much. The system willingly allows people like him to fully immerse themselves and their emotional manipulative ways into their children’s lives. They will be given chance after chance after chance.
Sure I believe in forgiveness. I do. Its not an easy business to be into, the forgiving business but that’s what I’m taught to do. I get that. One day I hope I can forgive this scumbag who left my life and his children’s lives in ruins. I truly pray I can. BUT…
But just because there is forgiveness doesn’t mean I willingly trust this person with the most valuable precious gifts in my life, our children… Am I really supposed to trust that everything will be fine? What parent would…could, do such a thing?
But when he walks into the courtroom or when he is posing pretty on facebook he would have you believe all is right in the world. He would have you believe I am unreasonable, I only want his money, I am just a vengeful, spiteful bitch. That I am the manipulative one. That I am actually the “bad” guy.
My girls and I can live without that extra money, we have had to live without it far more than we have received it that’s for sure. The problem lies in the fact that he doesn’t understand the importance of it. He has three children. Children are expensive. And get this…just a few days ago he actually told me that he needed to put himself first for now because he needs a car. Ya know, screw the $1800 in back child support the court has ordered him to pay to take care of his children. To show that he can actually be responsible and do the right thing. Right now HE is more important than that. That’s the problem… he comes first. He always has. Facts are facts and that’s the truth. I do what needs to be done for our daughters, no one can say that’s not the case!
Lets all feel bad for him because I want to protect our children from the inevitable. I want to raise our children with the simple, real, old-school values that most of us (certainly not him) grew up with. I don’t believe its necessary for them to come home with brand new toys every time they visit his house. I don’t feel it necessary to have mountains of toys or the best of the best looking clothes, or be involved with every activity just to compete with everyone else on facebook.
What matters most to me is my children have an understanding that you can’t get everything you want. That never being told no or always being made to feel like they can do no wrong leads to nothing but trouble. They shouldn’t grow up spoiled thinking the world owes them anything, or feeling entitled. I see where that gets people….
I want them to know love, discipline, kindness, and courage. Things that have value.
I do want this to be over. I want the fight to be over so badly. But what choice do I have?
The whole reason we are here at this point is because of the choices he has made. If he hadn’t been a drug addict, an abuser, if he had tried to support his family financially or emotionally then we wouldn’t be here. We are not in court fighting because everything was good. He created this circumstance. Although one could argue I’m here because I married him… and trust me that is something I have to live with for the rest of my life…and I will. That is something that has given me an immense amount of guilt. Lets be real though, I didn’t marry a drug addict who melted pills down into liquid and injected them into his arms, or crush them up and snort them up his nose… I wouldn’t even know of such things if it weren’t for him! I’m sure there were other signs but never did I ever imagine what had awaited me.
I am not perfect by any means. I don’t need to boast myself up. I do whats right for my children. I left an extremely toxic environment to save my children from growing up with the wrong ideas about love. I will not apologize for leaving, ever. When your own daughter looks you in the face at the young age of 6 and says she loves her dad but that I should not have married him, you have to know you have done the right thing by leaving.
But of course of this will be taken for whatever people want to believe in. Which is a sad reality I have come to realize. People believe what they want to believe, whether its the truth or not.
He can talk a good game and yet again pretend like the world owes him something because he shouldn’t have to keep paying for his mistakes but the thing is… he isn’t a victim. Even I don’t claim to be a victim… its our children who I pray don’t suffer to much under the manipulative games he plays.