No, this post, blurb, is about just me. Me, overcoming my biggest obstacle…. myself.
In the midst of the chaos that has been my life. In the midst of losing who I am and having well, just about the worst self-esteem ever… I’m finally really really ( you can only say it twice if you really mean it) am learning I am enough.
I have gone a significant amount of time thinking that I knew I was but my actions proved that I didn’t truly value myself. If you think about it, why would someone who values themselves stay in a relationship that I have claimed to be so abusive?
Its really not rocket science to find out the answer to that. There can be lots of reasons one stays in terrible situations…
Pressure from others.
For the sake of your kids.
None of those are good reasons, but its the truth. Low self-esteem gets you into it and then fear keeps you there. Fear of things like what the heck are you going to do if you leave? What will this do to my family? Who will ever want me again?
These doubts don’t go away on their own. It takes time to heal. Takes faith in God (something that is VERY hard to have in times like these), friends/family who stick by you no matter how hard it is to be a friend to someone who is hurting.
After being so broken down, bit by bit, in every.single.aspect.of.my.life. I have started to rebuild myself.
But that is not easy when you have so much working against you.
I know people talk. I’m not stupid. I know people have had a lot to say about my life. People love the drama. Thats why my most two popular posts on my site are the ones that you relate to most drama.
I am here to tell you…. I know I’m not perfect. I have made mistakes and will make more I’m sure. I did plenty of wrong things that have gotten me to where I am. Those things that people say about me, I have thought them myself. Because like I said I am my own worst critic.
I can’t tell you how much time I have spent agonizing over my own mistakes. Over things I have done or have said. I look in the mirror and sometimes can not believe this is where I found myself. I have spent so much time crying over what harm may have come to my children over this divorce. I carry the most guilt over my life, more than anyone. So when people talk about it, when they talk about me, or have such an opinion about it when they have never been in my shoes… its like sticking a knife further into a wound that I already created for myself.
Finally I gave up ( you refer back to my previous post about giving up:)). I stopped allowing what others may or may not think get to me. I had to. Thats like step one in trying to rebuild a new life, new you. That goes for any negativity in my life. So I ask you now, if you are one of those people, please move on from my blog. Theres nothing here for you to see. I’m doing everything I can to heal, rebuild, and be the positive, best version of myself for my girls and for me.
I really had to start believing the good about myself. I had to start focusing on all the positive things friends/family were telling me. Once I started doing that God starting bringing me the people I need. Having a support system is key.
But mostly I had to look at myself as God sees me.
He told me to stop looking in the mirror and seeing all the sins.
He told me to stop being ashamed.
So I have to believe that.
I saw an old friend the other day and she knew before there was marriage and kids. She knew me as I was just beginning my life in Christ. Those ripe teenage years that often mold you and prepare you for the real world. Back then I knew who I belonged too and I didn’t ever worry about the rest. I was a walking beam of hope.
I was just me.
But like a lot of us after 18 life really starts to happen. Jobs turn into careers. Boyfriends turn into husbands. Perfect size 3 bodies turn into bodies scarred and beautiful life giving bodies. And so it goes. And if your lucky, life continues on merrily. But that is not always the case.
I was telling my friend that I was having a hard time because my life has changed so drastically and making new friends in my new church was proving to be hard for me, moving on was/is stressful. And she asked me something that made me stop and think long and hard… “Whats holding you back? You shouldn’t be afraid to just be yourself.”
Why should I? Things happen and that is life.
I have become stronger, more independent, and learned sooo much about this crazy world and mostly sooo much about myself.
And you know what…. I am enough.
God gave me those baby girls because only I can be the mother they need.
God gave me these trials because only I could preserve they way I have.
God has a purpose in all the pain I have suffered.
God sees me for the person I am now and who I am meant to be.
Its all apart of my journey.
I don’t need to hold myself back anymore… because I was the one in my own way.
He is enough for me and I am enough for who ever is supposed to be in my life, and that includes myself.