The “D” Word

Divorce…

It is final, it is finished and my old new last name is officially mine again.

It may come as a shock to some but my divorce just became final about a month ago. Shocking only  because reading through my assortment of posts one could probably same assume I was already divorced. It took nearly three years. I felt like I was already divorced for a very long time.

Truth is, I had fallen out of love soooo long ago I was numb to feeling anything whatsoever regarding my divorce. My feelings mostly have been consumed with my main concern throughout this process, my children. That was the one thing we could not agree on, and probably never will. That’s where all my energy, all my thoughts have been about. Not so much on how I would feel afterwards….

Once I signed on the dotted line and walked out of the courthouse (alone I might add because at this point he was able to get himself locked up yet again because he will never be able to kick his addictions), I could not hide my smile.

I breathed in the fresh air, took in the sight of the beatuiful sky, and thought the world never seemed so open and inviting. I was relieved. Nearly three years of pain, uncertainty, fighting (oh, the fighting), mounds of paperwork, multiple visits to the courthouse, and the never ending anxiety that has been following me around was lifted. Because not only was my divorce final, but the fact that he failed my kids one again meant that he legally cant affect them until further notice. For the time being, I do not have to worry about what will happen to my precious girls because their toxic father will be locked away for another time.

As for me… I feel free.

I must be honest, there is a tad bit of sadness. The sadness that comes from this entire process… marriage, children, and then divorce. For my intentions were pure when I said ‘I do.’ I had hoped all would just work out. I did put in all the necessary work. More than I should have too for our marriage. I made sacrifice after sacrifice for my husband because my faith in the Lord was always in the back of my mind that that’s what you do. But in the end it wasn’t enough. And there is nothing you can do when the person you are married too does not put you or God first in their life. There’s little you can do about a person who puts themselves before any and everybody.

Every persons marriage is different. And no one knows the ins and outs of someones private supposedly sacred relationship.

I live with the pain that my marriage was doomed. I live with the pain that my children do not have a father like the kind of father they deserve. I live with the pain that when one of my girls does something exciting I don’t get to turn to someone next to me and tell them about it because that person would have been just as thrilled as I. There is not even a single mom emoji! I looked!

I live with the pain that I married someone who never made me a priority. Someone who very rarely said the right things but never did the right things. I live with the stigma that I am a statistic. A woman who married a man who was a “piece of crap” and treated me awful and I stayed anyway because I had bad self esteem and so the story goes…

But the thing is the statistic comes from people who don’t know what it feels like. It comes from a place of judgement. Which is something I don’t allow in my world. One of the many things I have had to learn from this whole experience is to truly not care about what others have to say about any part of my life. Because what people need to understand is that I’m the one who has to live with the choices I make.

I have spent a lot of time letting my situation define me but no longer. I am not what has happened to me. I just couldn’t let this moment in my life, this conclusion of my marriage go by without saying something.

BUT I couldn’t be more happy to move past it and begin the new phase of my life… and that feels amazing. I know the next chapter is going to be a positive, refreshing, wonderful time filled with new beginnings!

 

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