Happiness was never meant for me. I truly believed that.
I was happy enough. The one thing that brought me joy was and forever will be my children. Which is an amazing thing and I can never say it enough.
But, and there’s always a but isn’t there… I wasn’t happy in any other area of my life. Once my kids were tucked into bed I was alone. I did not want to wake up in the morning. I did, but it was a struggle. I hated my job. I hated my situation. I was stuck with my ex-husband in a toxic world. Then after I left him, I hated the fact that I couldn’t make it work. Then, I lost my job and I hated myself.
I felt worthless. I couldn’t save a marriage. I failed at keeping my job, the one thing I needed to support my kids. I felt like I had no one to talk to because I felt no one knew what I was going through. Eventually I felt I had no friends and I was OK pulling myself inward. I barely left the couch.
I was a hot mess of mom during this time. I forgot things daily. I forgot lunches, appointments. I literally locked my keys in the car 4 times within a year, once while the car was running! I had to make lists for the simplest of things because everything overwhelmed me.
My days ran together, as all I could do to keep my head above water was to focus on my daughters. I had to be there for them, I had no choice, they were my life, and they were the only thing I had going for me.
Sometimes it’s good to take a look back to see how far you have come.
Thank God for His unconditional love. Thank God for my best friend.. who stepped in when many others wouldn’t have and moved into my house. Thank goodness for those friends that I started running with, they opened another outlet for me and let me vent. Thank God for the church family I found that let me come into a group of people I barely knew and let me just cry and share. Thank God I have my girls, that even though all I could see was darkness around me, they were a light. They gave me purpose to get out of bed every single day… because if it wasn’t for them I would not have.
Depression is no joke. It’s something so many people deal with and don’t talk about. It looks different for everyone who experiences it I’m sure. For me, it felt like I was stuck in deep dark hole and I could not figure out how to get out. There was a time in my deepest pain I almost lost faith.
The thing about depression is finding something, even if it’s a small thing, to focus on. Find an outlet. Any outlet will do… exercise is a great one because often the side effects are amazing- you’re healthier, you have more energy, and let’s not forget weight loss! But other outlets like painting, reading, or for me talking, which can sometimes be hard to do when you don’t feel like doing much.
You must want to get better. You have to strive for happiness sometimes. You must learn that you deserve happiness. Take responsibility for your actions and then forgive yourself.
These things are much easier said than done but they are true. Sometimes you have to remind yourself every single day that you deserve this happiness. You might have to forgive yourself more than once. If it’s helpful and I think it is, post positive, uplifting, or motivating quotes around your house. Whatever it takes to get out of your funk, do it.
Once I got myself out of that deep, dark pit, I realized happiness is not something just for other people. I realized, its ok to be happy. See, I was afraid of it. If I was too happy, something was bound to come around and wreck it. That seemed to be my life. I had to let go of that idea. I had to tell myself that I can have it if I want it. It was a mindset shift that I needed to make. If I thought something bad was just around every corner, then something bad probably was. I had to look at life differently. Instead of looking at what I had lost, or didn’t have, I had to look at what I did have and be grateful for that. It could always be worse.
Thing is, on the other side of that funk, I was in, or you might be in, does lie happiness… and its meant for you and I.
(I was never formally diagnosed depressed but I fit all the criteria)